Abound

Words unbidden from my tongue too often seem to slip

While my eyes gaze glassy and my swollen lips do part.

Mounting, these vines seem to climb so swift along these walls,

While I notice not the passing time and days become years within this conclave.

Hours, moments as but a sigh, where the only sound heard is the whisper of our lips meeting.

Hearty, heavy, a chuckle bursts free from your lips, while I can do naught but smile.

A freedom I had yet to taste and all the while caught in these growing fetters,

Nevertheless tempted and nonetheless tasted, I wrap them idly ‘round my wrists.

And yet my disquiet hangs heavy in the air, a mist that creeps,

Threatening the garden I have tended all my own,

Seeds spilt from my own hands with only salted water to help them grow.

A poor pittance to lay before this edifice so carved,

Its angles traced by the tips of my fingers as gently as the pen which never pressed these words to paper.

Never had I sought such a gift for myself, yet here stumbles the celestial into this little garden,

And I, awaiting, ardent, fervent,

And with as an unstudied an air as possible,

As you lean into the light,

I release the breath

I never knew I was holding.

Personae

It looks so cozy up there.
Lofty, you survey the lay of my land
And your own.
Can you not like what you see?
And yet, despite myself, to spite myself
Let us persist.
You look, I glance. You brush, I smile. You laugh, I laugh.
The parts, the motion, the dance.
Sometimes, though, I see it, still feel it.
I let it carry me.
But this dance was never mine.
Perhaps I do gaze upon a mere picture so painted
And you an artist non-paraleil.
But who would I be were I not to cling to such pretty ideals?
You, knight, so thoroughly championed.
I barely know, myself.
And it looked so cozy up there.

A Dream

People, places, things; all your nouns

It’s as though I see all the pieces of you everyday

The you that was I, me, mine

And then I saw you.

But that was before.

And this.

.. ..

I am in a library.

It makes sense, libraries are safe for me.

I am working so diligently.

That is the first clue.

The library is full.

We are already full.

There is no more room for you.

You come in anyway.

So like you.

So uncharacteristic

You come to make a scene but if there was a place for a scene this is the place for a scene.

This you doesn’t hate making scenes

But I know this you doesn’t really want me.

Every you doesn’t want me.

You ask everyone to leave.

Yes, sir, even you.

No one is outraged. No one is surprised.

Not even me.

I knew this was coming.

Unbeknownst to my inside, I am calling the shots.

I have me to thank.

My stomach ticks like a bomb.

Saliva fills my mouth.

My lips part.

I can feel myself growing stupid.

You can see it.

I don’t really listen as you tell me that we need to talk.

Those words have slipped past your lips more times than I have ever really understood.

I would never listen, not even to keep myself myself.

You ask me not to talk to you, not to talk about you.

You take my hand, enveloping it in your own.

This is the warmth I had lost.

I don’t even think to pull away.

This is all I will ever get.

This is as close as we will ever be.

This is the only reunion we will ever have.

I move closer, as though to beg for another beating.

I ask you why you’re doing this.

You squeeze my hand.

I love you, you say, but don’t talk about me.

Don’t talk to me.

Don’t talk.

Don’t think

Don’t breathe

Don’t live

But I love you.

You pull me into your embrace,

And I am all enveloped

This me cannot forget the way you smell.

Our lips meet.

And it is so real.

I fit you the way I always dreamed I would.

Like I am dreaming I would.

You pull away.

The corner of your mouth.

My own northern star.

I still love you with an intensity that scares me.

And I am so angry.

Underneath all the layers of understanding and patience and kindness.

The injustice has caught up with me.

You sit down and proceed to speak.

You eyes are wild, your gestures artificial.

I cannot do this.

You say.

You are always saying this to me.

And I never really listen.

I always thought we could do anything.

That whole gallon of Hawaiian Punch.

On the table

It was a gift from you

It wouldn’t fit in the box, so I always carried it around.

And as you were speaking, I got so angry,

I dumped it right onto your shorts.

The yellow ones you think make you look fun.

You are so contrived.

Outside, I am too. I am contrived with the hope of ridding myself of you who has seeped so far into me.

Outside of the inside of myself I knew I had to rectify the situation.

I wanted to pretend it was an accident. I tried to convince you.

But my outside self, I made it fade.

Like it never happened.

Your shorts are still yellow and cheerful and oh-so-fun.

Like you aim to be, like you wish you were.

And just like that, you forgot.

Your eyes smile warmly at me.

I love you.

Don’t dare speak to me.

You reach out to touch me again.

.. ..

In a dream, we can change almost everything

We can escape any situation

We can hide from our prowling nightmares

We can be something we’re not and everything we really are

But in there,

and out here,

I can’t make you want me.

And I cannot stop loving you.

Watchful

Uncertainty, certainly, takes its toll; there’s language not within my lungs.
Concealing, keep the hunted green; simpering, hurt, I’m overplayed
Heavy lidded, heady, helpless; tell me, how may I object?
Sordid crimson clouds the vision. Seconds drip like blood congealed.
Silly girl, release the spirit. Know you naught and knows you well.
Revoked or staked, the claim still calls you; clamors to abandon past.
Wear bold their ties, their chains; They know you. Forsake not Them what I’ve forsaken.
Am I to capture what’s been conquered, travel path traversed before?
Ill used, ill meant, it does not matter. Friendships sought, you’ve nothing lost.
Kneel before you if you ask Them, still wet their prayers spill from their mouths.
Sorrel eyes yet still slip from Them; you defer, yet needs are met.
Is it pity, as you gander? Pomp and promise, careless wretch.
I, with longing, yearning, fading, take you in without a word.
Any price, you name it, pay it, for an amber glimmer glanced.
Roughened whispers, silken skimming, called my own, silver gained,
Though I need the bed you lie in, I would you never knew the name.

Haven

The even' tide is imminent, its turbid ebb and flow,

Caresses cold with stony chill, the water fast and low.

Such sorrow, it cannot be spoken, soft sand slips through the glass,

A bold, brave youth, yet undisturbed, still all the die are cast.

Neptune turns his face away, the overture unheard,

This fate, perhaps, already chosen? Life a dream deferred?

And in the house of crumbling woe, my head betwixt my hands,

Recall I then the pillar strong, such storms it may withstand.

Protector, keeper, everlasting; tempest cruel may be endured,

Little boat, in little Haven, how strongly is the vessel moored?

'Neath firmament she bobs and sways, beryl eyes take in the gale,

It crashes round, the ship goes down, the winds begin to wail,

And then it's passed, it couldn't last, mere echoes in the sound,

Our little light, so vibrant, bright, is nowhere to be found.

Has lady fortune mercy lost? Will wist never awaken?

The gull, he rests not on the perch, her journey never taken.

Hear the howls of sailors past; their cries caress the moon,

And so the tide is coming fast, the ship has sailed too soon.

The Awakening

My spirit sings beneath its shaded awn'.

Longing, grasping, reaching for the day.

The shadows light upon your face at dawn,

In silken sleek and shimmer I will stay.

Covered by naked vestments nearly white,

My breath caught softly by your slowing hand.

Until the bird of fortune takes its flight,

The body serves more than the heart's demand.

And in this Aidin's chamber I will lay,

Each tender movement bringing stolen sighs.

Despite the doubts such feelings can't allay,

Passion's purlings uncertainty belies.

Such lips would silence any budding qualm,

And ardor flows in sanguine waves of calm.

The Purchase

The pale pendulum swings; heavy, tarnished, rope frayed
Opened too early, sly sylph still swings staid,
Yet the well of time dries, the axe soon will fall,
Will the fates pull the strings, or will you shear them all?
A cloven path, abandon past, linger near passion's flame.
It's bubbled up, it's overflowed, the touch tempest tamed.
Fire flows hot from the waterspout, but closed stays the latch,
For distance cannot kindle, mere words will not catch.
He'll risk it, she's desperate, you cannot accept,
Unless you turn the table, weigh the dice for the debt.
It's a far gleam from darkness, a cry from the land.
But without the gamble, it will die in your hand.